I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
When did angry sex become our thing?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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