I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
