why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
