M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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