at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Couch. On fire.
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