If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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