Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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