Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
