I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
