I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
