If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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