Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
