I want to have your abortion
I bet he comes in French.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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