Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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