I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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