I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
