She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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