So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
