I'm going to jail i love you
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize