Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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