All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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