If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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