so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
