Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
