I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
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