Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
