I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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