the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
