I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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