Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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