the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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