Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I FOUND THE LEGS
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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