If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
