Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize