my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
