the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
