11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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