oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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