**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
The uberlube is also flammable
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
