I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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