when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
