Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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