Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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