In the future we'll all be gay
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
not ubering you a puppy
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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