Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
