I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
