he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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