That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
