Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
