I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
