Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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