Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
