Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
