I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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