I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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