Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
